Catching Elephant is a theme by Andy Taylor
I need to talk about this. I just need to get it out there. You don’t have to read this. I don’t expect you to.
She went to the psychiatrist with me. I don’t have to hide that from her. She knows that I go and she has a general idea of why I go. I don’t think she knows about the psychosis yet, but I don’t really think it’d make a difference to her. She opens doors for me and she asks me if I feel comfortable in situations. She warns me beforehand if there will be people that I don’t know around, if she’s aware. She’s okay with going slow with whatever…or not. I’m not afraid to have sex with her, and she asks me if I’m okay, if everything’s okay, because she knows that I freak out. She sleeps in my bed almost every night, and I’ve gotten used to her being there. She likes to cuddle. She likes kid movies and TV shows. Her favorite thing in the world is Spongebob. She makes me smile. She likes the same music as me, and we have the same favorite songs. She’s stronger than me and opens and carries the things that I can’t, without me even asking. She’s knows that I can’t do all the normal things that a person my age should be able to do, and she’s okay with that. I like her because she treats me like a person, not a head case, not a heart patient…a person. With thoughts and feelings and hobbies outside of medical issues. That doesn’t define me to her.
I’d be okay if she never left.
Yesterday was so good.
- I got pizza when I woke up.
- My girlfriend came over.
- She cleaned my room for me.
- And washed some of my clothes.
- And hung some of them up.
- I sat second row at American Idiot.
- Van and Josh (Johnny and St. Jimmy) both winked at me during the show because I was smiling so damn much.
- I had strawberries and blueberries when I came home.
- Took a post-birthday shot of tequila with Sam.
- Smoked two bowls.
- Had amazing sex.
- Slept until 11:30 this morning.
She’s not what I always thought I wanted.
But she is exactly what I have always needed that I never even knew I wanted until now.
I’m done. I’m just done. I’m sorry I’m happy. Or as happy as I probably can be right now. I’m sorry I don’t do the things you think I should. But this is my life, not yours. And I’m finished with trying to please everyone else. I’ve needed to learn to love myself for a long time, but I was so busy catering to what everyone else thought I should be that I’ve ignored that. No more. You do not control me anymore.
